The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows..
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Alyssa.'s LiveJournal:
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009 | | 4:23 pm |
All my rowdy friends have settled down.
I am young.
I am eighteen on the cusp of turning 19 in less than a month.
I am very young.
I look my age, I sound my age.
I wish I could feel it.
On another note: I got another useless organ removed from my body. Healing time takes up to a week. We'll see where the cool wind takes me. Current Mood:  tired | | Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 | | 2:17 pm |
Skinny love.
I told you to be patient. I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced. I told you to be kind. Now all your love is wasted? Then who the hell was I? Who will love you? Who will fight? Who will fall far behind? Current Mood:  pissed off | | Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 | | 11:57 pm |
Fuck.
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK Current Mood: (Y) WOOT. | | Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 | | 10:03 pm |
| | Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 | | 2:12 pm |
Noooooooooooothing compares, nothing compares to yoooooou.
To whom it may concern.... Hi! My name is Alyssa. We continue to run into eachother frequently all over campus at the U of Dub and I just can't help but notice that you notice me because we share these glances. I can't decide if you're mortified or if we share this mutual feeling, BUT I think I may or may not be becomming infatuated with you and your devilish good looks. That is all. Current Mood:  cold | | Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 | | 5:01 pm |
Today
I'm a mercilessly suffering hypochondriac with wikipeidia at my finger tips and slowly filling my mind.
Someone take me to the E.R immediately, please.
Current Mood:  curious | | Monday, October 27th, 2008 | | 2:52 pm |
I GOT MY SIGHT SET ON YOU & IM READY TO AIM.
LOL @ UNDEAD journal.
Rofling, for real.
Seriously though. I should be in my math class right now, but I am not.
I should have seen my bus love today, but I have not.
I am so torn</3
Seriously, I just want to know his name, but I am not brave enough to approach him yet.
All we ever do is stare at eachother. Blahblahblahhhhhh.
One month babies, it's crunch time.
Current Mood: determined | | Sunday, October 19th, 2008 | | 11:57 am |
blahblahblahfuckblah.
Halp halp! Charges of fradulence should be enforced immediately! Love means nothing because it leaves just as quickly as it finds you. "True" unrequited love is permanent and honestly, I don't believe such a commitment actually exists! SO! Bastard, who ever fabricated such a false promise.. You can just fuck right off. BECAUSE, it's wrong. It gives people the wrong impression, the oppertunity to believe in something that isn't real. Dreaming gets you nowhere! Dreaming is what seperates the fact from the fiction, and well, you nearly ruined me. My head aches, my heart breaks and I'm one millisecond away from sounding like a Garth Brooke's greatest hit. I don't know why I'm getitng so jacked up right now ( Well actually Kato, I do. This is just another lie to throw in with the lot of them) But on the other side of things, after this mini meltdown. I've realized that life isn't all that important. It's not worth the stress or the hassle or the comparisons we put ourselves through daily. Your heartbreaks, your success, you sadness, your misery, your happiness. It means nothing to anyone. Everyone should just sit tight and enjoy what they know they can while they're around. It's not that I don't feel like life isn't a valuable experience I just really believe that it's not worth the hatred and the emphasis we put on it. Go smell a flower and smile at a baby or something, whatever. Your lover still won't love you. Your parents will still be divorced. whatever whatever whatever. Don't worry about happiness because the minute it involves the people around you, you're fucked. Current Mood:  crazy | | Monday, September 15th, 2008 | | 10:23 pm |
I'm
Just not all that smart! How the fuck did I manage to go with Education as my career of choice? The future of your children lays in my young eager hands, my friends. Educating the future generations with whatever bullshit crosses my mind. Current Mood: ditzy | | Friday, September 12th, 2008 | | 11:26 pm |
Forced to live like it's a curfew, translation means I love you.
survey
1. No question
2. last beverage:
I'm in the midst of drinking rye and diet pepsi.
3. last phone call:
Andrew
4. last text message:
Jeremy.
5. last CD played:
I'm listening to Broken Social Scene.
6. last BUBBLE bath:
I had one on Thursday, fuck I am a lucky girl.
7. last time you cried ?
I cried yesterday, but then I snapped out of that shit straight up.
8. last meal:
Peanut butter and toast.
SEVEN "HAVE YOU'S":
1. have you ever dated someone twice?:
Fuck to tha no.
2. have you ever been cheated on?:
Tit I hope not
3. have you ever kissed someone & regreted it?
Heck ya.
4. have you ever fallen in love?
WITH THE WORLD, THROUGH THE EYES OF A GIRL<33
5. have you ever lost someone?:
My ID got BOMBED last summer, it was devestating.
6.have you ever slept until 2pm?:
What else do I have to look forward to in this life?
7. have you ever been drunk and threw up?
And cried. Tales from the porcelain abyss.
SIX things you did in the past three days
1. Got my Educate- on.
2. Snap, Crackled, and Popped.
3. Ran into my ex boyfriend
4. Wished I was one half of "Jack and Diane"
5. Super soak'd some hoes.
6. Drank ma drank.
list some people you can tell pretty much anything to --
My sister, LJ, life itself.
list THREE favorite colors ---
Gold, purple, green
list THREE things you want to do before you die -
Pop, lock, & drop.
THIS MONTH HAVE YOU...
Laughed until you cried:
Indeed
Went behind your parents back:
I DONT CURR.
Found out who your true friends were:
I just knew.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT:
1. Your last kiss? Don't try to remind me.
2. Gay Marriage?: Be as straight as you waaaant to be as gaaaaaaaay as you want tooo.
3. Lowering the drinking age? It would be entertaining to say the least.
5. Who are the best huggers that you know?
I don't hug.
6. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Have you seen the reflection I get to call my own?
7. Is there something you want to tell someone?
Cillian Murphy : You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals.
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?
The couture of Sirens.
9. What is your current annoyance?
My shoulder is poppin' and my life sucks.
10.How many kids do you want to have?
The Goesslin bbz, plz.
11. Do you wanna change your name?
"Mrs" Conor Oberst.
12. Last time you saw your father?
An hour ago or so.
13. What did you do for your last birthday?
Kept it RIEL.
Drank an entire bottle of champagne and fell asleep.
14.What time did you wake up today?
6 AM
15. What were you doing at midnight last night?
It's midnight, I'm calling it a night soon.
16. Name something you CANNOT wait to do?
TO REALIZE HE WILL NEVER EXIST.
17. What is your favorite thing in your room?
It's a tie between sexy rex and an "autographed" Jesse Mcartney poster.
You make the call.
18. Where is your best friend right now?
Doin what she do. Current Mood:  contemplative | | Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | | 8:19 pm |
When the routine bites hard and amibitions are low, the resentment rides high and emotions wont grow
"Since There's No Help" Michael Drayton. Since there's no help, come, let us kiss and part,-- Nay, I have done, you get no more from me; And I am glad, yea, glad with all my heart, That thus so cleanly I myself can free; Shake hands for ever, cancel all our vows\, And when we meet at anyt time again, Be it not seen in either of our brows That we one jot of former love retain. Now at the last gasp of Love's latest breath, When his pulse failing, Passion speechless lies, When Faith is kneeling by his bed of death, And Innocence is closing up his eyes-- Now if thou would'st, when all have given him over, From death to life thou migh'st him yet recover. Current Mood:  drunk | | Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 | | 10:03 pm |
Am I too old for this?
Honestly. Growing up is like pulling teeth while someone scratches their nails down a chalkboard all the while somebody else is pulling a bandaid off one of your hairy limbs in the meantime. A slight exaggeration is the least of my concerns, however while this summer has been a very productive one for me, it's rather disappointing and sad to realize all the fun times I won't ever get back again that I enjoyed when I was younger. I know I'm only 18 but already, it seems as though the world is expanding itself on my shoulders and expecting me to birth it through my mind, pregnant with thought and potential. I wish I was still 16, carefree, and easy breezy. When my biggest concern was recieving a phonecall from a significant other, or picking and choosing who would be part of my immediate group of friends this month, and when OH WHEN, I would be able to purchase something nice to wear out Saturday night. Like, fuck. I wake up at 6 am every damn day to go to work a job I feel extrodinarily passionate about regardless of its high demand, and then I finish my day off around 10:30 that night, working at a crap job for some pocket change in the rare event that I do in fact have the night to myself. As I've mentioned before drinking and partying aren't really all that amusing for me anymore, so it's becomming difficult to find something enjoyable to do with my freetime. It's immensely frustrating to crave something you are completely oblivious to, and yet you continue to find yourself fishing and searching, never finding what you really want. But right now I think I have a good feeling of what I want, and this is just at this very moment. What I really want, is a curfew at 1 am, with a nice hour long walk to Tim Hortons in my worn out converse and plaid attire, with my earphones blarring as I stride down the train tracks. Two best friends at my side and a stolen cigarette in hand, we laugh as obnoxious speeding boys honk at us as they pass. We are the fucking boys of summer, man. And we just don't really care! BTW I know I sound like a country song but, whatever. I miss it. And if I could, I would guys. =( Current Mood: nostalgic | | Sunday, July 27th, 2008 | | 11:24 pm |
| | Saturday, July 12th, 2008 | | 7:34 pm |
A good friend of mine recently told me that I was both malleable and fake. I can't help but sigh and agree. Current Mood: cynical | | Thursday, July 10th, 2008 | | 10:38 pm |
Well, It's official.
I have become insatiably obsessed with the man who gave me a copy of "Notes from Underground", instead of his phone number. Possibly the coolest person I have ever met. Possibly the greatest moment of my life. Possibly I will never see him again. As you can tell, the possibilities are endless, and i'm exploiting them for all they're worth! In a true school girl crush fashion. How can you ever go wrong with a man who's too cool to even celebrate his birthday, let alone even remember the exact date itself. Adorned in black, drinking coffee, playing the acoustic guitar by a tree. A man who leaves town to town, as he pleases, in search of nothing more than what feels right at the moment, and prefers the mere company of himself to the lifestyle of the ordinary 9-5 joe. A cliche cynic, and I am so all up in that shit! I should try to run into him again, but I doubt it will ever happen. I have never had a conversation like that in my life, and atleast I will always have that. Fuck I am lame, but I had a really funny day, and he is just a good portion of what this summer is all about for me. Current Mood: SIIKE. | | Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 | | 10:25 pm |
New Summer
Same shit!
I don't know what's more depressing, living in Don-hood North Kildonan and becomming innocuously desensitized to the sound of police sirens and speeding ambulances, or the lifestyle of the rich and famous, working and living among the most luxurious of homes and ungrateful people (ever) in East St. Paul. It might not seem like much, but the combination of attempting to exist in either location, and my current state of mind, are the brainchild of this late-night non-sense.
I like to believe the sun is getting the best of me, but that's probably nothing more than another nice little idea to be thrown in with the lot of them.
In current news..
My life in River East is over, finally.
I feel the same, but I suppose a week outside of it wouldn't have altered all that much, not yet anyway.
This summer I aspire to become a workaholic, which I am.
Maintaining my current crap job at Sobeys and working along side a group of other brave souls willing to dedicate a good portion of their summer to a daycamp consisting of many wee, energetic children, I will be as my mother says, "rolling in it" by the time school rolls around again.
However, I plan on spending all of this mad chedda in Italy this October, so nevertheless, I will be back to my regular
broke ass self in no time, children.
I'm starting to wonder if all of these feelings of mine are just completely fabricated from the anxiety of feeling indelibly pointless. You know, the kind that is anticipated by most high school graduates.
I don't really know, I almost really do want to do nothing and have fun, I mean, I do owe it to myself. I suppose I just don't really know what fun is anymore.
Parties, excessive drinking, and the whole lot of these situations are just becomming more and more unenjoyable for me.
Mind you, I still find myself going. I guess I just don't get the same thrill that I once did.
What else is expected of 18 year olds these days?
Today I had a mini-epiphany in Mcnally Robinson. While I was purchasing a copy of "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", I managed to have a super decent conversation with one of the bookstore men that I actually really enjoyed and felt as though this was significant time spent. I had a purpose! The purpose being that I do belong somewhere! I'm not completely alone ! While it may seem small to most, this is the most I've ever felt a part of something. Just finding someone who even shared the smallest of common grounds with me, gave me the littlest bit of hope. Who would've thought a 10 minute conversation consisting of a mutual appreciation for Margerat Atwood and William Burroughs would've amounted to something so great?!
Point blank: I'll be okay.
Something big is out there for me, it's just a matter of timing and location.
I suppose that's the key to life,
Timing, Location.
I'll just continue ripping this shit apart til something good happends.
Then maybe you'll never hear from me again! Current Mood: pensive | | Monday, March 31st, 2008 | | 12:57 am |
An Ode to the single life
MEN. OHHHHHHHH......... MEN. HOW THEY HAVE LET ME DOWN! ALAS, MAYBE IT IS I WHO HAS LET MYSELF DOWN? ONE MAY NEVER KNOW. FROM FATHER TO FATHER. BOYFRIEND TO FRIEND. ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST YOURE ALL THE FUCKING SAME. AND AS FOR MYSELF, I WILL LIVE WITH MY CAT FOREVER AND EVEN WHEN SHE DIES AND WAITS FOR ME TO MEET UP WITH HER IN HEAVENLY GRACE, I WILL BUY A NEW KITTY AND THE CYCLE WILL CONTINUE. AND AS THE WORLD TURNS, SO IS ANOTHER DAY IN OUR LIVES. AMEN. Current Mood: a little bit crazy, cant lie | | Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 | | 9:53 pm |
Hi home. It's been some time! Procrastination and laziness have gotten the better half of me, as per always. But I really wouldn't be Alyssa if either of those components didn't make up my better (or worse) halves. So essentially lots has changed since my last vague entries, yet essentially not all that much has changed. Look at me go, still acting as though the documentation of my life will amount to anything one day. It has to, I mean all this hard work and all these years will amount to something eventually is what I figure. As far as the news world goes, I'm an adult now. Give me a fucking break, maybe a kit kat bar would suffice. I have pierced and mutilated my "pretty little face" (kthx dad) I hate the bar. However, I love the ability to purchase my own alcohol by my own means after a hard day of work, nothing beats a shot of well deserved absolute or bacardi. I am almost done high school. I have decided to post pone the futhering of my education in hopes of pursuing a career as a MAC makeup artist aaaand a job at the liquor commissions on the weekends, which I have just applied for. So hopefully this all works out for me because I mean, I need something to look forward to. Current Mood: well, fuck. | | Sunday, January 13th, 2008 | | 9:38 pm |
WELL HELL ITS THE NEW YEAR WHOOP. Still single. Stil have the same job. Still in high school. Still under age (not for long heh hehh suckaas) Whatever! It's only January. heh hehhhh But honestly, I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't expect anything great to happen. I don't anticipate anything, really. I'll wake up tommorow and I know what will happen, maybe not to an extent. But I know enough to keep me underwhelmed. We'll see what happends, eventually. I'm all about changing, hopefully my life will follow. | | Sunday, December 23rd, 2007 | | 9:18 pm |
You'll be doing alright with your Christmas of white.. but I'll have a blue..
Baaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. fucking humbug? I'm Alyssa Marie.
The seventeen year old wine fiend at the end of the table adjacent to the family consuming their well prepared christmas meal. I have the cyncism of a thirteen year old, the sex appeal of a thumb tack, and the concious mind of a heart surgeon.
Why the holidays make me this way this year? I will never know.
PMS is a potential attribute and most things from there really only fuel the fire.
At the moment I hate lovers.
I hate people who have them and I hate people who can find them.
Hate is strong, I just resent the whole concept and I feel as though I would take great pleasure in burning you in an easy bake oven a child would be recieving in two more sleeps if you as so much even think about rubbing your romantic happiness in my face.
TODAY, is not the day.
I want to vomit everywhere.
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